#YOU DONT UNDERSTAND. YOU CANT COMPREHEND WHAT IM GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW

[marshymallo]

I NEED TO PLAY BALDURS GATE FOR UNDISCLOSABLE REASONS SOMEONE TEACH ME HOW

[sl8yter]

Get It Together - Mühl

Pt 1.

Nikas bestfriend Nahiem is “going through a hard time” and Nika is always there for him. Which causes a lack of presence for her gf.

TW - Angst, mentions of cheating, insecurity, nika being a meanie, and lots of audacity

Im in the mood for angst so sorry yall

Nika Muhl x fem reader

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Nika.”

….

“Baby hello?”

…

“Nika”

“Huh oh sorry bebo I was texting Nahiem” Nika replies to my endless please in an exasperated tone looking at me standing in the kitchen as I prepare our plates

Dont start and argument please Niks

“Didn’t you guys just hang out last week? You said this week it’d be about us.” I walk towards Nika setting her plate on the table in front of me

“Hes my best friend and hes going through a hard time right now. I cant just ignore him.” She says finally taking her eyes off her phone to look at me

“Yea I know and I understand that but sometimes it feels like you care about him more than you do me.”

“Well I didn’t mean to make you feel that way and im sorry you do”

I sit down frustrated at her statement slightly banging the plate against the table

“Jesus christ, please dont be like that tonight” Nika says playing with her food

“Youre right, Im sorry its just that I love you you know that I do and I wish to spend time with you but its hard to do that when your friend is dragging you off everywhere. It makes me feel ignored.”

Why am I apologizing shes the one with the attitude

“Well Im sorry you feel that way bebo im not trying to ignore you. I want to spend time with you too. But Nahiem needs me too. We’ve been friends forever you know that” Nika says staring at me with a look in her eyes. The same look she gives me whenever she just wants me to agree with her

“I need you too Nika its not fair youve guys have been hanging out too much. I mean imagine if I went to go hang out with one my guy friends every other day.”

“What the fuck are you trying to imply here” Nikas tone changes. Her syllables grow sharper and her accent comes out

Shes mad

She stares at me waiting for my reply as im silent for a moment

“Im not trying to imply anything. I just want you to understand how it looks from my perspective. Which now you clearly do. I dont think you would do that to me but I cant help but wonder sometimes. Youre always texting him and barely even texting me anymore.”

“Im not cheating on you if thats what youre trying to imply. I lost my appetite, im gonna head out.” She adds with quickness, standing up from her chair and grabbing her keys off the counter

“No you always do this. Whenever things dont go your way or I dont immediately agree with you you leave I want to talk more. I want you to understand me more.” I say chasing after her pulling her arm to make her look at me

“Well I try and you make it so difficult”

“You try? You’re kidding me. I barely see you anymore. I wake up and youre gone. I tell you I want to talk its always im busy or later im out with friends. Im trying it feels like im the only one trying anymore.”

“I try so hard you just dont see it.” She grabs my hand and squeezes it giving me a sorrowful face.

That isnt what she looks like when shes sad

“What dont I see Nika please explain to me” I ask knowing shes full of it. She just wants someone to come home to

…

Her silence makes me snap. I let go of her hand

“Im actually so tired of your bullshit. Im gonna be frank with you since you arent gonna comprehend it any other way. I love you Nika I want to work on our relationship but you have to want that too. At this point ive debated leaving and ive also debated staying in case the sweet girl I knew a year ago wanted to show up again. I think we need couples counsel-”

Im cut off by her grabbing the sides of my face and attempting to kiss me. I retract quickly and try to ask her why she did that but she cuts me off before Ieven start

“Why are you being so difficult right now.” She says giving me a look of disgust. As if a kiss or angry fuck was gonna fix this

“Fuck off Nika. You can leave. Im not the one being difficult. I really dont want to lose you but if youre gonna keep being such a dickhead to me you cant leave. Ive had enough. I try so hard to understand you and I want you to let me im but obviously that isnt gonna happen. I love you but its obvious its not reciprocal.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Leave. Get your self together then you can come back to me. Its gonna be hard to put whatever emotions you have or had for me into words but when you do and you can explain to me why you wanted to throw all this away for me for some guy who probably wants to hit and dip.” I say in the calmest voice possible holding back from yelling at her. If i yell im gonna cry and if I cry Nikas gonna hug me, then ill fold.

I cant give in this time

“Wait bebo im sorry okay I can see how much this hurts you. Lets talk this out I can stop talking to nahiem. I swear he doesnt mean anything to me. I love you let me prove it.” She says, her long and built arms trying to snake around me

“No Nika , I already tried to talk this out. Go back to your dorm, take a shower, and go to sleep. Then we can talk all you want. I need to be alone tonight” I say pushing myself off her as I walk away heading to my room

“Im sorry baby please don’t do this” She says still standing at the door

At least she respects my space

But she doesn’t respect me

“Go to bed Nika” I say before shutting my door

I hear a soft cry before the muffled sound of the door shutting and locking

I hope she does wanna talk in the morning

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also i dont proofread my writing. I write based off what my angelic soul is telling me so if you see some mistakes or some blank spaces 🦍🦍🦍

[asylumdweller]

DIDNT REALIZE THEY WERENT ON, VERY SORRY theyre on now dw i got you still :)) and yeah you are so right theyre both weird little shaky perverts with obsessive tendencies and mental illness

(amab!kylar, yandere, guro, wound fucking, is more linear than hcs usually but this is the only way i could think to put it hwhssh)

♡ first of all youd have to have them FUCKED UP to do this to you. unless its brutality kylar. i could see you (assumably unintentionally) coaxing them into it relatively easy

♡ stabs you by impulse one day at their absolute limit. still hasnt come down from their delirium, watching you scream and shakily unzipping their pants as if theyre possessed.

♡ mutters apologies under their breath and something about having to teach you a lesson. doesnt even know themself why theyre doing it. their mind is a mess right now, all it craves is becoming one with you.

♡ holds you close to them with an iron vice grip and feels around for it while you lie there gasping, eventually lifting up your shirt a bit, running their fingertips over the slit.

♡ they pull their stuttering hips close to it, rubbing the tip gently through the blood. despite the hysteria, theyre already getting hard.

♡ you start to scream louder as you realize what theyre about to do to you, but it falls on deaf ears as they push into you. a whine slips out from them. its just as good as any other part of you.

♡ before you know it theyre fucking into it, a strange smile on their face as they let out half-moans half-sobs and your throat starts to go raw.

♡ once you start to go hoarse, you can hear the things theyre saying to you. "you feel so good, my love... you know, im-... aah...! ...the only one who's w-willing to go this far for you... so please... please please p-please please please please pl..."

♡ they start repeating it like a mantra, though it's becoming almost unintelligible now, their head thrown back in pleasure as they thrust into you near uncontrollably. your brain struggles to comprehend the pain and you can barely breathe.

♡ once you think you feel something spurt into it, you stiffen. kylar's twitching and gasping in ecstasy while theyre draped over you, still not meeting your eyes. not that it matters, because the few times they did during this whole nightmare it was more like they were looking through you than at you. they pull out with a shudder, licking their lips once their eyes settle on the sight of their cock slicked heavy in your blood.

♡ once they come to their senses, acknowledging that they did this to you would completely shatter them. so they dont. it never happened. at BEST, they understand that they stabbed you, to which they break down for a good while, barely even able to form words outside of apologizing over and over and over. as they clean your wound, its almost as if the semen inside of it is invisible to them.

♡ cant bring themself to jerk off to the thought of it, but has wet dreams about it that they can never remember after they wake up.

[snoopyliker]

okay my thoughts on the ending

i dont have any criticisms really or questions i think im gonna watch fhe revelando tomorrow so everything i’ll leave to say after i watched that

i cannot describe how heart wrenching it was to watch liz and thiago go through that. you just cant comprehend how it is for someone to stay waiting for years and just aging. i just feel so heavily for them because i just know that was agonizing and to see how liz acted afterwards broke me. cellbit definitely knew the right way to go with the writing in that combat because i wouldve accepted some gruesome death but it being mentally tortuous and liz losing so much of her life is another level of devastating.

then theres thiago which i already predicted was going to die the second he sacrificed himself with that symbol but the way everything played out was so fucking sad. he waited so many years for them to not be in the blast zone knowing he’d die. being unable to do or say anything to them. fuck. he loved them so much and died saving their lives. till the very end. he loved them so much.

liz lost her best friend. their dynamic was so important to her character and he really was her rock. and seeing liz without a thiago is. man. liz lost so much. they all lost so much. the ending had the perfect atmosphere of: was any of it worth it? did it even matter in the end? so much loss and so much pain. and it only led to so much more and its horrible and i detest the doctors for what they did to these innocent people and they all died not knowing. they had no way to live or understand. they all just died.

btw im crying while typing this lmao the more i think about it the more devastated i get.

all i can think about is when cesar felt like there was no going back when they were first entering that forest because theres no moment quite was accurate as that one. they were never coming back the way they arrived. they lost so much. it pains me to think about all their happy moments as a team when they played never have i ever and that damn cemetery scene. they were still so happy and together despite having lost so many people. they still had each other. and they lost even that by the end. they were never coming back from this. nothing was ever going to be the same again.

i kept thinking about when verissimo says oh youre team hope now right? and they still are but it felt so empty without thiago. i just thought back to his speech to liz when she wanted to shoot the old guy. saying hope was all they had. and now hes gone

liz’s attitude and fury towards verissimo in the end was just a direct parallel of the last mission when she had lost alex and daniel but now she lost thiago and she lost everyone she had from that mission and now its only her and she lost part of herself as well.

in the end it just felt like loss. only loss. and i know thats intention and fucking good writing but wow. theres no satisfaction in anything that happened.

i want so badly for them to be together again and happy and laughing and they just supported each other so well throughout the mission.

their first group hug and their last

in conclusion um. yeah o segredo na floresta is not for the weak. i honestly considered quitting at two points in my watching of it. its so incredibly sad. props to the players for roleplaying so damn hard and making me fall so in love with their characters and friendship that i wanted so badly for all of them to make it out okay even though i knew they wouldnt. props to cellbit for writing such a great story and building this world. props to the entire ordem team cause holy shit they are the backbone of all of this.

10/10 would rewatch and cry again.

[bluerasbunny]

RUIN ENDING SPOILERS; OVERALL REVIEW OF RUIN AND MY OPINIONS ON IT

so

[PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION!! IF YOU LOVED RUIN, GREAT!! IF YOU DIDN'T, THAT'S COOL TOO!! I JUST WANTED TO SHARE MY THOUGHTS ON THE DLC!!]

i'm gonna be completely honest-

i didn't like RUIN. i wish i could say i did, but i just. couldn't understand any of it

the endings are. bewildering- why can you walk into a freddy thing with the mask on and then suddenly get an unexplained cutscene w/ the daycare music what. im so confused?? the elevator scene w/ cassie was awesome, v sick idea but again it just doesn't. make sense to me why did gregory betray her what

honestly none of ruin really. makes sense to me?? like i can't comprehend what's going on and they just don't explain anything- i want to like it, i really do, but it's explained nothing and raised 5000 questions- its another example of FNAF going so sci-fi that a casual enjoyer just can't. grasp what's going on because of the hundreds of book tie-ins that are left unexplained or the insanely complex lore that's so goddamn hard to grasp

daycare segment was awesome though!! but there's. one little downside to it.

i was right, DCA only got 5 minutes of screen time unfortunately. which is hella annoying considering he's such a brilliant character and eclipse had SUCH a good setup to be an ally and then it went nowhere

(also i hate the mimic im sorry but i just cant. comprehend it nor do i like that you have to buy a ton of books just to understand who he is. also i dont get the AR stuff either that was never hinted at in SB what the hell is going on??? why is vanny's mask VR why can we walk through solid objects whats with the headless freddy what happened to glitchtrap who the fuck is the mimic literally NONE of this makes sense?? also why can we TELEPORT now since when was this a sci-fi novel)

OVERALL; loved the daycare segment, really love cassie and eclipse- didn't like the DLC itself and found it really really confusing- it does get bonus points for cool graphics though!! just. really wish it explained things

i do really love eclipse, cassie and ruin roxy though those guys are cool- and the aesthetic of the plex is brilliant alongside the ambience!! it just didn't match up to what i had hoped it'd be

[ayayabaroque]

AcademicRival!reader x Alhaitham???

 im revisiting my childhood by listening to sum music Inspired by Nadarang because i was doing some journaling and i got an Alhaitham sticker recently and made me think rlly rlly hard. Like hard hard CW; slight-kinda iksekai’d au?, heavily implied filipino reader, slight archon quest spoilers(or not, but still putting it here in case cuz i might write smt i dont mean to), reader studies in the Akademiya, ooc Alhaitham??, crackfic-ish, not close to canon lore because i cant write for shit because of God knows what. somewhat swearing in filipino, modern au

It’s unbelievable how the Akademiya’s Scribe chooses to show off to you out of all the scholars he could choose as a “rival”. You had a really, really hard time keeping up with whatever tricks he’s got up his sleeve to “impress” you... “You ought to fix your posture, a proper scholar never slumps even with a ridiculous amount of theses and presentations due by the end of the week.” Stupid scribe, he doesn’t even get to report the same projects you’re working on, since he only record the Sage’s meetings or something close to that- “Are you even listening? Or do we repeat the lesson again since your pea brain doesn’t comprehend what you’re supposed to do as my assistant?” Blue-gray irises stare at you, obviously waiting for an answer. “Well?” “I’m not that stupid. I just spaced out for a bit since your voice irritates me to the point I should acquire special earmuffs just for you.” “How sweet. You’re actually self-aware of what I go through every session with you.” WHAT. He did not just use your insult to insult you so, would insulting him insult yourself since the insult was yours but he insulted you with it???? “ULOL POKENGINAMO BOBO KINGINA MO TANGINA KA HAYOP DEPUTA KA GAGO PAKYU BETCH” “?????????? what” “actually i want you to explain chapter 5 until 74 please, I don’t get what the lesson’s supposed to be” “Now that you mention it, you do seem like the type of idiot to require special attention to understand a topic.” how dareness?? Your eyes blown wide, you ask him— “Tinatawag mo ba akong lutang putangina ka?” “Are you calling me light-headed you mother fucker?” “Whatever you learnt in whatever universe you came from, I sure don’t understand what little complex language you’re saying right now.” “fuck you bi—” He always suggests you to have a one-on-one study session with him, if your schedule’s full, too bad that you’ll have to cancel everything because you’ll never win in reasoning with him. “You’re here again?? You know I can’t stay away from your bright demeanor, right?” “tf did you just steal a line from Shanti Dope??” “Okay so?????????” But really, he can’t stay away from you even for the love of his life. He wouldn’t admit to it though. i should stop writing based off of what music i listen to ngl

[scarecuntfreaktoxin]

i have always thought people who believed in god, any god, really, were somehow lower than me, in a sense. i think theyre a bit foolish and naive, and theres no going around that. you can be the most open minded religious person ever, but i would still take you for a fool — what do i mean by that? i know its not a very nice thing to think about someone. but there is a certain ignorance in having faith that is just so controversial to address because then you would be called a nihilistic scum who hates on those still with hope. i dont think thats always the case — hope isnt interchangeable with religion. i believe you can be an atheist or agnostic and have your heart beating with positivity, in the absence of a god. but back to my original point... its not in my intention to offend anyone with my opinion but i cant change the way i think. why is that? do i need to change it? i can back my beliefs, just as much as you can yours. grown adults believing in an omniscient being is so strange to me. have we not seen the state of the world? have we not seen enough bad things in the world? experienced them? were we not subjected to the same miseries? how can you still, after witnessing all of the negatives, have faith and devotion in a god who is supposed to be merciful, kind, filled to the brim with power to change any and every thing he wants to? oh but he doesnt. you have to do some special, never-before-seen technique to make me understand how and why exactly it isnt stupid to believe in religion. yes and this might be narrow minded, but im still going to think that im smarter than you in a sense. just in this matter, at least. youre deep in propaganda, indoctrinated and brainwashed to be faithful. to believe. dumb. you were blissful enough to fall into a religious trap. you were desperate enough. you have this glow to you now, in everything you do, god is a driving force, the hope you have, it doesnt crumble because you built it with his words. i cant hate on it, cant hate on you and your god and your religion and your beliefs and your intimidating ability to search for the light because someone youve never met before, someone we have no evidence exists, someone our puny human minds cant even begin to comprehend — told you so. i might think youre dumb. i still think that. but im fascinated all the same, do you know i keep your rosaries and recite your prayers? but im smarter than you because i dont naively believe in this made up savior. have i mentioned i read your books and scriptures? i watch you from afar. i attend your church. i sit down your pews. kneel before your god. i say your bible’s verses. and all the while i do that, not once have i convinced myself that god is the truth, that catholicism is the truth. that he is right beside me. because im not foolish as to put what little faith i have left in someone who has made no effort to make his presence known. because im not stupid. and you, you who is a devout, is stupid for doing otherwise

interesting? yes. but not a very well-thought move. im sorry that i feel sorry for you because i know how condescending im coming off as. you probably think the same about me, and you probably have your own reasons. youre going to try and make me believe, and i want to, jesus christ, i want to, so bad. and im going to question your ideologies. but i wish i wouldnt, i wish i found it easier to have faith in something. i look at you with this repressed anger, a young girl’s rage, it wont hurt you, it cant hurt you, it can do very little to harm you, but i hope it makes you pity me, because i was once like you. a firm believer. but i had an excuse. i was a kid, not fully mentally developed. you? no, thats all you. i hope you feel guilt upon seeing how your religion causes others pain. through various ways. subtle and blatant. i wasnt whipped and oppressed in the name of god. you know what did happen to me? i grew up bitter that i cant be like you. thats also painful. i wasnt always so far away from god, who would have thought? i have never been near him, either. there was this space between us. its called gaining consciousness. the more i had of it, the more the space widened. i get the impression that some of you will never garner that. and in the society i live in, in the country i was born in, the community im surrounded by — i wish i didnt nurture that too. i would have been understood by more people if i shared the same faith as theirs, would have been accepted by more people, would have been in more friend groups. i suppose its not as alive in other places, but its thriving in here. religion. catholicism. whats a little ignorace in exchange for the promise of something great, right? why cant i accept it like other christians did? god. whats wrong with me? i wasnt raised a non believer. i have no defining moments in my life that supports this sort of rejection i have for god. i would have turned out so much more different if i still prayed and actually believed its changing something. why cant i have that? im not a genius. im just smarter than the average christian, and i fucking hate it. its not doing me any good. i cant shut off this part of my brain that keeps on denying and denying and denying god. i know its not all jolly jolly in religious fields, of course, but maybe... maybe... if i was dumb enough... i could pretend it helps. i could convince myself it helps. i dont want to believe in god, and yet, i wish i did

so, yes, i am jealous of you. share your secrets. share your deepest secrets. tell me how to stoop as low as you. literally. tell me how i can bear being on all fours at the feet of this “god”, bowing, and praying, and begging, and apologizing, and thanking. you and the others must be hiding something from me. whispering behind my back, pointing at me for not believing, but not telling me how to. and i ask of you to treat me with pity and patience — this poor, intelligent, too fucking aware, failure of a girl, daughter of christ, stranger to her father, ex-christian who cant move on — take her consciousness away and replace it with an indoctrinated brain. she needs it. she just doesnt know how to want it 

[kdipshit]

Running away

Look at me running away from it as soon as it makes me uncomfortable, yeah I did what I could in my brain and change my thoughts but I still chose to leave because it was getting hard. I left. I chose that, and now I am here, and now what? Now I have to process leaving, get told off probably, feel guilty, all because I chose not to do it. Thats my issue now, just doing it.

Okay lets look at the reason why I left okay, instead of telling myself off a little bit. First of all, I was feeling genuinely sick and onto of that I was already bothered and moving slow, now, I should have just told someone I was leaving, but I was sick and I felt like an empty pit in my stomach, I was in pain, my face went white and I felt faint and dizzy, and I didn’t even smoke, I was sober and sick dizzy and in pain. I didn’t have to energy for my activity I had promised to go to.

Anyways, so yes I do feel sick and tired and I’m aloud to feel sick and tired. tell me off all you want but I’m not going to let it effect me in any way negatively at all, instead it will effect me none, and I will take only the truth and grow from it. I just have to keep levelling up, and I feel like I’m trying to make my own steps, instead of progressing with the universe’s path chosen for me. My decisions determine which path I go down, yes, but by trying to make my own pathway out of thoughts is again, chasing dragons. Just walk the path you’re on, and if you can’t see it, then clean up a little bit more.

The power of choice. I’m here now, so whats the point continuing to feel guilty? I’ve processed it, and I’m happy with my outcome, I know some more why’s, and I’m getting a better understanding through current practice. The power of choice.

I would like to look at all the memories I forgot, like a library. Maybe I wouldn’t be so miserable and difficult if I could just see how much love I had in it, instead of all the bad. I really don’t like talking to people coz they really have no fucking idea. What am I talking to? It makes no sense to me, anything anyone says makes 0 sense. Zilch. I don’t understand nor can I comprehend their sentences. im not part of them, I’m seperate. They are the same, luckily. Being seperate from the human race is a difficult and sometimes grey world to live in. But If ye can find the colour, so can i. i dont like to hold conversations, no small talk bullshit, being quiet doesn’t mean I’m scared. Maybe I’m a little scared, but nothing I cant fix though. He sacredness that I have, I wonder where it comes from, I remember having panic attacks at 7 in primary school when this one kid would always throw a fit and become violent throwing desks and chairs and screaming swearing punching kids hitting kids, I was scared of him, but he was nice to me. I guess thats my earliest memory, I was so scared I didn’t move, but my body started shaking just real anxious. I guess that can be caused by my parents arguing around us as kids, sometimes it got real ugly and I did the same thing, shake. I used to think ‘what the hell is wrong with me’ as I tried my best to stop shaking, causing more panic when I find it impossible to stop. It doesn’t take long for me to become extremely overwhelmed once I hit this point, and at that point I can lose control.

Maybe I’m just so medicated that I don’t even realise when I’m in a depressive episode. Sobriety makes me anxious and angry, I just need weed to feel mellow, and not flip the fuck out for real. Thank you for pointing that out.

so this whole level up thing I’ve been wanting to do, like pretty much just be high maintenance, always look good 24/7, look good feel good right? Q is…. Should I get extentions? …. no

I think as long as I’m taking care of myself, and I’m writing, I can do anything. Thats really my base, thats all I need, self can and letting everything off. Im really excited to get my nails cute like Haiilsz beiber, yeah. I want pretty hands.

I really didn’t plan to be here for this many years. I mean like when I was 14/15/16 I wasn’t thinking about myself at 23 years old, which Is where Im at right now, 23 :) thats crazy, anywyas, I wasn’t planning on it. So now that I’m here I’m lost it seems, or like, still 19, still a teenager. But I’m a woman now. Everyone around me is older aswell.

I dont have much respect for peoples time, I don’t really take things as seriously as other people do. Or at least thats how I feel, I feel rude. But I shouldn’t, because I never set out my day to be rude, I set out my days in the best possible intentions I can bring myself to create for myself. And that is why things are always working out for me not matter how they look at any time.

[ghostbbii]

released from my prison mind

I AM SO SORRY SIS, I KNOW YOU FORGIVE ME!!!! IF I KNEW I WOULD OF NEVER ALLOWED GOD TO CALL ON SLEEPY.. I WOULD OF SAVED YOU NEWPHEW!! YOU WOULD OF NEVER BEEN LOOKING DOWN ON US WITH YOUR MOM NEXT TO YOU..

At times i want to hate you god!! but at the end you have your reasons!! but this one its unexplainable, to me. im confused on that calling!! WHAT HAPPEN TO TALKING TO US through SIGNS!!

       Fck i want to scream out every day but instead i been doing it in my head for last 17&18 yrs now!!                                                   (1.15.04) & (1.26.03) 

i release you guys from being IN-PRISON in my mind

. see i couldn't find it in myself to accpet death!! stood in denial for all those years!! i didnt understand how i was never going to see you again. i already had to put your mom up in california state; in my mind. and i couldnt think of which state to put you once you got locked in my prison mind. i couldnt comprehend it.  how you guys would never have the chance to eat again, laugh, talk, sleep, go see events with the family or friends. do things in genral that you guys enjoy to do.. i didnt want to believe that it was the truth!!

i know i need to stop blaming myself about your DEATH nephew. but the truth for me would of been and  is you probably would really be alive. breathing with us ; walking this damn hell we call earth!! i know you felt that feeling just like i did that very night. we knew some thing was going to happen that day;  we knew we needed to find each other, it was meant for us to say sorry to each other.BUT  that time never came to happen. it never became a moment in our time line.. our last words to us were hateful words said outta of anger.. . if i can go back in time i would of went to school that morning, i regret not going.  for never getting up to just going against my gut. to just saying fck it; to showing up that day! . i never meant those words to you when we got into it that saturday afternoon. i was just standing up for my  mom like i always have man. but i should of never brought your mom into it and that lead us to really saying words that we let our anger get the best of us..just when we were finally learning to speak to each other, get along. you, aaron and me. still had a while until all 6 of us did get along.  but  you ran away from home that day. 3 months later, the day you decided to come back home!! i wish, i did go to school. oh how much it hurts to just want to hug you nephew, to laugh and joke around,, to go tagging on shit again, the bond we grew through art. its how we learned to speak. anger managment did help like you said. just had to accept it and be okay with it steph is what you would say to me! when liz and steph told me you went to the school looking for me it killed me more,, i died that day nephew! a part of me really left. i went cold and empty mentally i grew hate towards myself.. they dont lie that words can hurt..    Especially knowing i would never be able to say sorry in person to you. i  never meant those words  and i know you knew and know that now, its been killing me for holding on and not letting you guys go, to accept the truth, i wish i did said my peace to you that day at your wake. i wish i did go see you when we were doing your burial. instead i held on. i didn't want to have my last imagine of you dead man.. mainly beaucse my last interaction with you was us arguing!! i wasnt able to to find it in me to come and face you.  it wasnt the right way ;for that it's been eating me alive, for all these years.. i  cant remember how you or my sis sound like when  laughing. what your voice is when words come out of it. i dont know how it feels to embrace you nephew. or your voice lisette when you used to yell at us all. i cant recall how it feels to give your body a massage sis. i hate giving people a massage when they ask for it because it brings back memories. Fighting through the day with a weak body after treatment.  hate drawing shit it to much of a strong feeling having you next to me. i finally went to go say my peace Jan 2022. time to let ya fly

[obscenitymoving]

⛧ ; hiihi

thank you for your response, again! do you have any favorite things about being schizoid or ones that you consider positive?

also, do have any views on szpd in the sense of it being a disorder and all that? i find it interesting because it's technically considered among the Serious Mental IllnessesTM and personality disorders (the latter of which makes sense but i wouldn't be surprised if people with other pds find it much harder to deal with theirs) but i don't really perceive my experiences as.... suffering? ill? or the like? perhaps it's because some other pds tend to come with intense emotions and i'm just. dissociated all the time pfff. the way i am feels normal to me, even if neurotypicals would consider schizoids very confusing or hard to understand or abnormal in general. though then again i have this sorta mindset that suffering and pain = negative emotions that are felt, like sadness or anger. not Nothing. emptiness isn't negative if you compare it to feeling upset. sure, there's supposed to be fullness, perhaps, but i don't view it that way aha. but regardless it's funny when you're neurodivergent with little awareness about others no matter what your neurodivergence is, because i can't comprehend neurotypicals are unlike me and that i'm supposed to be the weird one. i've always called them aliens instead aha. i'm perfectly normal To Me, so what're the weirdo neurotypicals on about? (/joke but also i do think that way.) i figure it's just interesting to think about.

hiiiiii again sorry it took me so long to answer this time ive been busy being insane (playing tower of fantasy)

anyways . for me it really depends on the day. sometimes i have a lot of fun just reveling in my space and existing with entirely 0 responsibilities and obligations from other people. its very nice. i like to imagine a future in which i continue to exist as i am now (doing absolutely nothing. at least for another 2 weeks before i have 2 start college) and i dont find myself upset by it. i dont find myself being sad or feeling lonely if i continue living in my own little world where no one is ever allowed in. im not overly upset at the possibility i might just be single for the rest of my life. im content to coast through life feeling very little. though like i said, it depends on the day. sometimes i get really mad at myself (im angry more often than sad) and wonder why i cant just be "normal". and why its so hard for me to just talk to people. its an uphill battle just to remain in peoples lives. its very difficult for me because i rarely, if ever, am the one to reach out first or message people first. i just dont, im often not thinking about other people for long enough to want to text first. which obviously means most other people take this as a sign of me not being interested. which isnt always the case with me. i just dont like being the person to do it. im terrible at putting effort into relationships because it just feels so ... hard. and not worth the fight to keep someone in my life. i often think things like "if they really wanted to stay, they would have" when i drift apart from people. of course i know relationships have to go both ways, realistically i know one person cant just always put in the effort. but the little schizoid devil that sits on my shoulder tells me otherwise. (if you were wondering the angel would also be the schizoid. ie the euphoria of cancelling plans and avoiding social situations)

i do consider it a disorder (because my nothing is in equal parts enjoyable as it is suffering) but youre right in that it just does feel very normal to me. ill probably never go to therapy for it, as its not something thats so debilitating to me that i need "fixed". theres nothing to really fix, i think this is just how i am. im not really interested in putting allthe effort in to make myself "normal" when i have no problem with myself in the first place. and i dont really consider myself abnormal, i dont really care honestly. i dont care if people think im a creep... or that im a weirdo.... or a freakazoid or whatever. im too busy having a superiority complex anyways

[desiresign]

well, im pretty much completed watching fnafsb videos so heres some fresh out the bakery thoughts ! pretty long...

sadly, the person who i was watching didnt read any of the notes, which is really disappointing. as not only did it mean he was running around confused, but i am also wishing for supplementary material and lore, and have very little understanding of what is actually going on.... well theres some things im still checking out but heres some general thoughts.

game overall is..alright. i like animatronic friends like usual. i dont have an attachment to this game, i guess.. there was  nice feeling of nostalgia when i first started watching, because fnaf is one of those where ive liked it since august 2014 and so its been around a long time.

it is janky as HELLL the clipping and the staffbots being able to see you through objects n doors and shit is straight up unfair, there being no autosaves or checkpoints in the “you only got one chance” mode is unfair.//needs automatic checkpoints in general.... the environment should have been much smaller imo, its real big and with as many fetchquests there are its disorienting. also this is prolly just me not playing stealth games but the animatronics blend in too much with the setting, idk how these youtubers are spotting them but i cant see them. also glamrock chica like always spawns directly behind players umm shes busted. also sun/moon are cool but it would have been more effective if sun was around longer. youre only with him for like 5 minutes before only having to deal with moon. maybe have sun be around longer, as an annoying but not-malicious companion for a while before turning aggressive.

gregory well hes just a little fella and glamrock freddy he is nice and kind. i am actually pleasantly surprised that glamrock freddy is nice. not fake nice, not turned against you in the end, hes just a nice guy :) well i dont know why these animatronics are alive the way they are...but theyre friends. also the endos were cool, reminded me of that joy of creation(?) fangame level in the basement. they move so FAST i like how if you got one only in the corner of your eye you can see those bitches SPRINTING towards you. i like roxy shes my friend and glamrock chica and monty wel,, this aligator idk what his problem is

and.... vanny.

oh, vanny, vanessa, whatever the fuck, whoever the fuck you are....wellll i dont understnad. i dont understand you. this isnt some “i cant comprehend the antagonist!” situation, i mean i...dont know whats going on legit. in one of the endings, vanessa appears to escape with gregory and freddy as they look into the sunset together. what is this? was she possessed? what happened? theres some tape recordings of venessa with her therapist, who sounds condescending and aludes to those fnaf app game messages. (also i thought the name luis was gonna be pronounced different. thats how it was spelled in the emails right? alas, white boy wednesday pronounce). well, either way there is manipulation, manipulated vanny. are you okay are you possessed? what happened? but in the true/real ending, theres nothing with vanny. actually, i dont get the rela ending either. ohh boy afton is back. wait, actually it is really similar to that tjoc level. didnt you also have to ste everything on fire there? oh well...

...im just gonna put my pre-game interpretation of vanny on the backburner and save her for something else of my own...

but now, im gonna go into the internet and see everyone else’s discoveries and thoughts and theories and see what i can make out of it. thank for reading if you made it this far. take a cookie or even a fruit, traveller... 

[traumatisedbabygay]

ight im gonna go off about the gender crisis again, because its my blog and vent space and i'll do what i want ;)

would i be allowed to label myself as agender, even though i dont experience any gender discomfort? Like, when someone calls me a girl, or says im a sister, daughter, ect, i dont feel uncomfortable. I just feel....indifferent. It doesn't necessarily feel right, but if it felt wrong surely id be feeling more than just mild confusion. agender usually means "genderless", but could it also mean gender...indifferent? Gender...apathetic?

If i were to try and make a comparison so i can better comprehend my thoughts, itd be this. If i were unconscious due to, idk, anaesthesia or something, and then had a surgery performed, id feel nothing. Id feel no pain, no tickling. If when i was still asleep after my mum caressed my face i wouldnt feel comfort. I wouldnt feel anything. Good, bad or neutral. All i would feel would be the dreamscape that the medically induced deep sleep placed me in: abstract. Non definable. One minute in that dream i could be strolling through an enchanted forest, the next I could be falling endlessly. But no matter what happened in those dreams, my physical body would be too out of it to react. Its like my gender identity is in a very deep sleep, feeling nothing objectively but everything abstractly, all at once.

Now lets say those "abstract dreams" in the metaphor was presentation. Most of the time i present very feminine, traditionally. My style is vintage/historical, lots of long skirts and frilly blouses and braided hair. Dressing like that makes me confident, comfortable. But I also really enjoy dressing more masculine. Of course, with super long hair ill always appear somewhat feminine, but wearing waistcoats and vintage trousers and shirts makes me feel confident too. I once said to my nana when i wore a particularly masculine outfit "some days i want to be elizabeth bennet, but somedays i want to be mr darcy". But no matter how feminine or masculine i feel, i dont know how to interpret that as gender. I feel like a girl, if "feeling like a girl" could be defined as "feeling like a vague blur of nothingness". Or am i just equating femininity with girliness. Do i actually just feel feminine, but not "girly".

sjdhskdjdjjddjdjfh why is this so confusing? I genuinely think either agender or genderqueer are labels to consider, even if no label feels better. With the way my brain works, i still need some form of label. but how do i know im not just overthinking things? If i am just, in fact, a cis girl who doesnt understand what that really means?

Surely its not that uncommon an experience? To not be able to recognise what gender feels like. I dont even know what its *meant* to feel like, unlike when i was questioning my sexuality and knew exactly what liking men was meant to feel like bc of my straight friends. Can i call myself a girl for simplicity's sake? It doesnt make me sad or uncomfy, if im being honest it doesnt feel like anything. Could i say im a genderqueer girl? As in, "i'll say im a girl if asked only because the real answer is so fucking complicated and undefined that even I dont know how to word it". As in "i might say im a girl but really my relationship to gender and womanhood is so much more than that. my gender is paradoxial. I both feel and dont feel like something, but i dont even know how to describe that small "something"."

Or would i say im a genderqueer femme? I dont mind being equated with feminitity, but underneath that feminine surface everything is so jumbled and hard to decipher that its easier to just act like a girl and not think about it.

but now ive opened the can of worms. i kinda have to think about it now.

or would i just say, "hey, im (name), my pronouns are she/her but idc if you use anything else, and im......i exist." Because at the end of the day, does it matter that i cant put how i feel into words that feel adequate? Surely just existing, acknowledging that *something* is going on beneath the surface but knowing it doesnt affect me enough to seek out a label, is fine too, right?

god why is this so fucking hard

[p0ck3tzz-blog]

To the realest since forever

Let me just open with an apology. Im sorry. I really am. I disappear in the blink of an eye, i show up an eternity later, and have the gall to think i understand the situation off the bat. With so little context. As if not as much changed on the west side of things as has changed on the eastern front. I shouldnt have tried to give advice, i shouldve shut up and listened. I thought i was doing right, thats the truth, but now im definitely tasting some salty foot. I never thought you were a fool, or some dweeb. To me youve been the coolest since W-Wednesdays. But I thought i knew what you were going through. Thought id been there before. Aspects of it i have, no doubt, but there was more to it that i didnt know, and didnt have the time to comprehend. I should have reached out more in the last few years, and i regret having not done that. Im not going to go into how people get swept up into the flow of life and let things slip, you get that. I just want to be clear that from this point im keeping those priorities straight. Im trying to buy you one of those dumb ass “over the hill” mugs when that time comes, you feel me? I learned a lot just now reading through your writing, and i see im too quick to offer my opinion, and definitely too brash. You aint gotta forget shit man, thats not my call, but i hope you find a path to acceptance of the way things are. Lord grant us the power to change the things within our means, and the ability to accept the things we cant. Ill stand right next to you and watch the sun blaze whenever you need it. Tell me whatever, and if i dont agree, thats okay, because i HEAR you and wouldnt disown you for anything my man. I choose ride. My heart really goes out to you right now P, i hate to see you struggling, youre my family and it kills me that youre hurting. Where youre at right now is clearly complicated, and i understand you need a break. So if you aint around on the normal channels of coms, ill keep checking here, and i hope you do the same. Miss you, Love you, Respect you.

-S

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Can you do a little text with your opinion about the Volturi members? What you like and dislike, they personality, they story... Would be interesting! Kissessss and have a great day! 💜

Imma have a little fun and throw the very young me into the mix to. Let's see child me vs adult me's opinions on the Volturiiii.

Fun fact: I wasn't team Volturi until I was like fifteen. Before that I was team edward... I don't want to talk about that 🤔😒

Also I'm a sucker for villains. If it isn't obvious already, I like the villains more than the heroes. (We all love a bad boy though, don't we?--- TIK TOK NOW IS NOT THE TIMEE.)

So everything i say is just my opinion and should be taken just as that.

Aro: Younger me was like "this...is a terrible person. There really is no need to expand on this." However adult me has been like "GUYS this guy is possibly the SCARIEST character. This man rips off heads AND SMILES ABOUT IT." He gives me child snatcher vibes (from the movies in particular). I thoroughly enjoy the power hungry persona. He's really fitting to be the puppeteer behind the Volturi. Even if he makes it seem it's a group effort with himself, Marcus and Caius. Realistically, Aro gets what he wants and isn't afraid to do what it takes to get it...sorry Didyme. What's even darker about it, WHICH I LOVE, is that he isn't heartless. Smeyer wrote that Aro genuinely loved his sister. It's all good to have a character that's a evil heartless monster but what's more terrifying to me is the ability for someone to do evil despite their love and emotions. It doesn't hold them back and that's what I find particularly frightening now that child me didn't comprehend. Micheal Sheen, from what I remember of his interview years ago, played on the idea that vampires of Aro's age kinda begin to lose their mind. Which, hell freaking yes. However there is one thing I hate for Aro's character that happened in the movies. Breaking dawn part 2. That fucking laugh. Don't get me wrong, hilarious. I can't not laugh but for his character I felt it was too 'hey hey I'm a crazy man hehe'. It was a but too much, even for an eccentric Aro. However, I'm not to mad at it because again, it was funny to watch. I thoroughly enjoy the ‘friendship’ Aro and Carlisle share and i love that it is ‘maintained’ throughout the books. I think it’s just a really nice detail. (I love lore. I am a sucker for it.) The one thing that didnt sit right with me is Aro marrying someone so that he wasnt the alone one whilst his co-leaders were very much in love? Was a little off for me but i suppose that just adds to the character.

Caius: child me would shrink into the seat because what did I do to this man? High key still think I wouldn't want to be Caius' child because imagine doing something wrong and you get that glare? No thank you! Scary angry man. As an adult... "He's an angry boi but...DAYUM WHY IS HE SUDDENLY SO HOT?" Just...don't get angry with me. You'll get annoying real quick and you're too pretty for that. I enjoy the taking-no-shit attitude he has but felt it could have been a little more prominent in BDP2 where Aro asks if Caius' is challenging him. I full believe Caius to an extend would be like "yes, yes I am. Don't be an idiot Aro. Use that braincell!" Which is why I adore the meme vibes I see every now and then of Caius hating Carlisle because why does Aro love that blonde so much? CAIUS HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT LOYAL-- Anyways, I can totally get why Aro wants him on his team. Caius is so angry and has so much hatred that he’s a good asset to the coven, even if not having a special ability.I do find it hard to imagine that Caius is a century older than Aro though. Although I cant picture him over forty years old lol. Although i do personally enjoy the whole Caius x Athenodora route. IT’S TRUE LOVE! Okay so maybe thats a little dramatic but its better than Aro’s lmao.

Marcus: movie Marcus is absolutely not nineteen years old and that's just a fact. If anything, he's the forty year old one lmao. Child me couldn't care about this man. He was the man who said nothing and slumped on a throne. That was Marcus. That was his character summed up. Then adult me rolled in and OMG NO DON'T DO THIS TO THIS SWEET MAN. LET HIM BE IN LOVE. As an adult i definitely became more attached. I feel like i was too young back then to get why Marcus was in the Volturi. He seemed very out of place and like a filler co-leader more than anything. However as i’ve gotten older (and written for him), I recognised that's the point. That’s Marcus’ evident grief. He isn’t there by choice and losing Didyme caused him to fall out of line with the coven. He’s lost point or purpose. Almost like its become meaningless because the love of his life was gone and he couldn't save her.So what was the aims of the Volturi to protect vampire kind when they couldn’t protect their own? He couldnt protect her. I had never heard of anything like bond identification and once i had- i was shook, like it became clear why he had been so necessary in the first place. That really is handy to understand everyones bonds in a coven, he could direct Chelsea and the two alone could destroy covens by bonds alone. Marcus makes the Volturi more realistic in a lot of ways. Like in a family, there is the happy times, goofy people like Felix, the twins representing a close bond. Afton and Chelsea, love that cant be divided. The list really goes on. Marcus represents love and heartbreak, pain, loss grief, the sad moments every family goes through. In that way he makes the coven seem less invincible, a group of people who at the end of the day, have their own weaknesses and immortality doesn’t mean a perfect existence. Especially when, in my opinion, Bella fantasized about immortality and how perfect it would be. Even after her change, she waited for her happy ending because that was somehow guaranteed in some level. Which in the end, she got but not everyone gets that happy ending we all want. I also personally think Marcus is the most feeling of the Volturi, despite being apathetic. A result of heartbreak. It’s shown he can still feel more in his own ways when he voted against Renesmee being destroyed. Furthermore, he advocated that vampire hybrids were a lot like vampires. He made that relation openly before anyone. Its almost as though losing Didyme helped him value a life?

Jane and Alec: Child me thought these two were  badass...and that still remains in my adult life. It’s always been uncomfortable to me that someone so young is so sadistic and powerful. Jane is the older twin with the ability of pain illusion...yikes. Her ability was evident in her human life along with Alec’s. His gift is sensory deprivation and these two were my favourites in the whole Saga. Still kind of are if im honest. I thoroughly enjoy the twins backstory. It has the most detail. I have a tag for the twins. Canon!twins is the tag for the twins in their book age. Unless this tag is present, the twins have been aged up :). They are very much canon but I put a bit more emphasis on tantrums. If they get angry, they both have tantrums. So whilst (unless tagged) they aren't children they can be very childish and these tantrums are pretty deadly. They’re also very possessive? I dont even know if thats the right word i’m looking for in all honesty. Lets say they get very attached if they like you. These two are probably the most secluded out of the whole Volturi.

Felix: Felix! High ranking guard due to strength and speed. I am a major supporter of Felix being a gladiator when he was human. He as a lighter grey cloak meaning he isn’t as high ranked but is so good at what he does that he’s been kept for centuries...and a lot of them. Personality? FINALLY, WE’VE GOT ONE WITH PERSONALITY!! (Im writing these out of order and i’ve just finished a chunk of Volturi members who have personalities as invisible as Afton.) Flirtatious and Light hearted, we love flirtatious and light hearted! Basically a comedian! Helllll yes, keep it going! Extremely vicious and highly aggressive? You know what? I still like it. He wouldn’t be a Volturi without a dark side. Cold blooded murderer. Yes. 10/10. Finally, someone Smeyer seems to actually care about. He flirted with Bella a couple of times in the books and i was FOR IT ALL THE WAY. I was very sad i saw none of it in the movies but im used to heartbreak by now. Im in this fandom after all. We were robbed of a lot. Strongest vampire in the world? I believe you, he’s also a hecking treeeeee. HE DO BE A TALL BOI. He actually makes Demetri look small and that’s still hilarious to me. Demetri is actually tall. However, if it isnt obvious we clearly traded backstory for personality. I cant get both smh. So...as i said before I fully believe Felix was a gladiator back in the day, hence his physique and height and excellent fighting abilities he has even as a vampire but then it kind of ends. I will say from the dawn of time, i don’t think Felix is the most academic man, just because of his era. I also think majority of the Volturi couldn’t read of write in their human lives and had to learn much older, most learning as vampires. Felix was one of these vampires, Although even now he isnt the most great at it. Then a wonderful writer known as @wallwriterstuff included it and now it’s canon in my eyes. I fully believe Felix is a slow reader and writing isn’t his strong suit either. Wallwriter also includes the possibility that Felix could be dyslexic which im all for too. For a very long time i’ve considered writing a dyslexic reader with the Volturi but have always hesitated because i don’t have it and wouldn’t want to upset someone for any misunderstandings or inaccuracies. However what i will say is that i think vampires would be the most understanding to humans with dyslexia. Learning things like that in later development or as an adult is difficult and they wouldnt think any less of you for struggling with reading, writing, numeracy- you name it. You’ll probably find they’re with you in the struggle at least half of the time. He’s also the goofball of the Volturi, even though he’s not really a goofball in our eyes, he’s the closest to a goofball out of the whole Volturi ...Emmett beats him in the Goofball wars.

Demetri: Oh yeah, it's Demetri's turn! So Demetri was previously in Amun's coven. When Chelsea gave him the old razzle dazzle...I've said Chelsea's gift so many times at this point it's getting old. I have two characters left after Demetri 😂😂 Anyway, with that Demetri was like "welp, I'm in the Volturi now." And now that they had a better tracker the previous one was kicked out. He isn’t much of a talker, polite and formal. He’s elegant (more graceful than i could ever be) and charming...yeah he is, you can say that AGAIN. He is also very calm, when next to Felix, i think everyone is calm but you know, we’ll say he’s a very calm person. I like how he was originally in the Egyptian coven with Amun. Given Amun’s goals this a pretty nice detail. NOW LETS GO TO MY VERSION. He’s very charming, calm, polite, formal and even a lil’ but quiet, i kept him pretty canon because he actually had a description to go on :))))))))))  Moving on. Demetri can be a very successful flirt when he wants to be and does have a Casanova reputation. However beyond the charming Volturi guard who has a brutal side like the rest of them, he has a chewy centre, deep down. I added that he had a child in his human life, one he doesn’t remember and very few people know about. He remembers that they died of an illness very young (around six?) but can’t remember what they look like. For that reason he doesn’t like talking about his child, he feels awful he doesn’t remember them and the loss still hits a pang in his chest. 

Heidi: Alright im ready for this one! Child me didn’t necessarily enjoy Heidi? I was rather passive about her. It was all ‘pretty vampire used for her looks’ in my eyes back then and i was never comfortable with that. I’ll get into my take on Heidi in a moment, roll on the backstory!  So Heidi knew Victoria as they used to be coven mates and we’re going to continue on as though Heidi didn’t care when she was killed? Like...its genuinely a burning question in my mind! If she didn't care, could that show the extent of Chelsea’s power in action!? (can we tell im enthusiastic about this coven yet?) It’s quite smart to have someone lure in prey. I wont lie, Heidi has quite the badass role in the coven. I wouldn't have thought about that I reckon. I’ve always thought that showed a kind of superiority. Oh you guys need to hunt your prey? pfft, ours literally comes to us. Her backstory really starts with Heidi being mistreated in her human life...a common theme Smeyer has. It can get old- i wont lie but when i give it some thought it kind of makes sense. Rosalie said it herself in eclipse, if any one of them had their happy ending, they’d be six feet under but i’d love a little bit more creativity. I could go on about how male vampires ended up being changed in comparison to female vampires but i’ll swiftly move on because that’s a whole other thing alone. Heidi was changed out of pity. (Which kinda infuriates me just to type, a pity change? Really? Really Hilda? we’ll see why it annoys me when i explain my take on Heidi.) Heidi was happy in her coven with Hilda, Victoria etc, which is hell yes. We love that. This is around the time she discovered her gift. Vampires were attracted to her and humans fell prey to her easily. Yup okay. I’ll take that. After a newborn vampire caused ‘too much attention’ Aro spared Heidi and Chelsea used her gift on Heidi. Nice, very nice aaaaand that’s where it stops and im left hanging.  Personality time with Smeyer! Lets goooo.  From what i remember and can find- she didn’t fucking have one. Apparently being pretty is enough for everyone.  Which in hindsight, fair enough on a human Bella’s perspective, its literally Heidi’s gift to lure you in no matter what. She could tell you she’s a serial killer (and technically is lmao) and is about to sell your kidneys on the black market as to which you’ll be like ‘sign me the fuck up, want my liver too? Here, let me lie on the table for you. I’m down.’ without even realising what just happened. But even beyond that...Heidi has no personality traits mentioned. In New Moon she appears to be a little flirty which im all for, why the hell not? But...thats it? Thats all I get? Then we get into fanfictions, because i read them growing up. Heidi was depicted as flirtatious, promiscuous and then it varied between manipulative or she wasnt very smart. Which i’m knocking absolutely no one for. I think you can get a badass character who is incredibly dumb. I think all characters are actually valid whether they’re a genius or flat out dumb. I love them all. However it never really sat with me. I was never quite satisfied which i was fine with until i started writing for myself. That’s when i knew i’d have to really think about what my version of Heidi would be or i’d never be happy with my work. That and you also begin to fill in the blanks? The more you write the more you flesh out a character for yourself and so that rolls into my version of Heidi! So for my Heidi, she often gets the same trope of ‘she’s pretty and rich, those types of girls have easy lives who always had everything given to them.’ Then when it’s discovered she didn’t have a good human life. It turns to the next assumption of ‘oh she’s pretty and stupid enough to be used and manipulated’. In a lot of ways, that’s what Heidi wants everyone to think. Underestimate her, please, its all the easier to manipulate you if you do.  She’s actually very smart and her rough human life made her more tough and intelligent. She’s very manipulative and yes she’s very flirty. You can look but you cant touch! She enjoys the attention her beauty gets her but if only these people would care more about what she’s like as a person. She’s not a barbie doll she will play you if she needs to. The only one who’s actually gotten far enough to sleep with Heidi is Demetri and even then the two don’t see each other romantically. They’re good friends who thinks the other is very attractive but that's where it ends. They’re basically friends with benefits some times lmao. However, Demetri got that far because he see’s the intellect Heidi actually has and acknowledges it. He thinks shes a queen who should be treated as such. She could take anything she wanted, a storm that people can only hope to survive in one piece.  Secretly she enjoys a family setting. Whilst she never really wanted children (especially when she was expected to when human), she couldn't help but melt inside seeing little human children with their loving parents. She wants that for all children. Whether that's because she lacked such affection growing up, no one knows. She’s also a really good friend, you bet she’ll have your back. Crappy ex? Well we’ll show them, wont we (Y/N)? She’ll be a bitch and enjoy every second of it. She also loves the single life, believe it or not, you’ll have more difficulty getting Heidi to settle down than you would Demetri which speaks volumes.  So yeah, move past her gift and really get to know her and you might have a very good friend.  I also don’t see Heidi having a preference between male or females and that’s in all honesty. Times have changed and if she is attracted to another female then she wont be ashamed of it. She never has been (Demetri was the first to figure that out, Felix may be the last.) Even when the times weren’t approving of different sexualities, she didn't care. She will flirt with you and find it ridiculously cute if you get flustered.

Sulpicia: Sulpicia was an orphan which i used to develop my own version of her. Sulpicia grew to love Aro which im on the fence about but yup, i’ll take it. You’ll see what happens with my version in a bit lmao. and that’s where it stops. I get no personality again but do you know what we do in this fandom? We create one and fill in the blanks baby! So i write Sulpicia very materialistic and vain, she’s most snobbish of the wives and due to the other two, also considered the meaner one. She didnt have such things as a child being an orphan so when she got the opportunity to have it-she jumped. She isnt easily impressed and married Aro not for love but for immortality, money and status. (He’s only married you for your money, princess Jasmine! HE ONLY MARRIED YOU FOR YOUR MONEY! Damn it tik tok, but make it princess Aro) Which works well, because Aro doesnt necessarily love her either, he just wanted a mate so he wasnt the odd one out.He literally created her because he was like “Yup, you’ll do.” The two recognised they made a great team and image so they kinda grew to love each other? A little bit? Sure we’ll say its love...sorta. ANYWAY, It’s a highlight to Sulpicia being locked in that tower where she doesnt need to see Aro every little moment, it’s better than having a husband who she’d need to see everyday. ...Yeah my Sulpicia is something else lmao.

Athenodora:  Athenodora is one of the oldest vampires in existence which kinda has me shook but I'll take it. She met Caius when he was fleeing from the Romanians, the two travelled together until they met Aro. Whilst on their nomadic travels they seemingly became mates. That's all we know about that. As to which the Volturi coven was made. Athenodora is completely loyal to Caius as well as highly dependent on him and I think that's very realistic given her circumstances. That's where their story ends...maybe for Smeyer but not for me! 😁 So I picture Caius and Athenodora being different sides of the same coin. Athenodora really mellows Caius, she is no where near is violent and sadistic as he is but due to her unwavering loyalty and dependency, she doesn't feel inclination to go against him...also because of Chelsea and Corin but I've said that so many times in this post I think we get the point. I think she's actually more gentle and soft spoken but that being said. She is very reserved and if she were to be angered she'd very much change. She could cut you down with words alone. Caius loves it. However beyond this is someone who is very maternal. Caius would appreciate it more if the two had children but instead it has created empathy. Caius doesn't want that when he can rip their head off. She struggles a little more with the 'no second chances' and that's another reason why Caius keeps her locked away and away from it. These two love each other more than words can describe. After being through so much with someone, the love can only grow. The two would happily risk their life for the other. Caius is saddened that he could never give her the family she wanted. He knows that to this day, Athenodora tries to reign in that side of her. He's a very supportive husband who's very different around his wife. He's much more tolerant, and angry. Simply more at ease. If anything happened to Athenodora, to put it simply...there would be hell to pay.

Didyme: Married to Marcus and Aro’s biological sister. Cute, me likely, keepy going. Her gift was happiness induction. VERY ADORABLE- Dont be as menacing as your brother...please. She was born several years after Aro and was changed by Aro ten and a half years after he was turned. (Dont tease me with all this lore Smeyer, I know what you’re gonna do) Aro was deeply disappointed her gift was just to make people happy- its okay Didyme, we love you. Aro is just...Aro. Her gift made many fall in love with her and its so freaking cute i CANT- but she only felt the same feelings for Marcus. MY HEART IS SO WARMMMM. Unfortunately they were so happy together that they lost interest in anything Volturi and were ready to leave. (Uh oh.) Aro, being the sneaky fellow he is, was like “I’m really happy for y’all of course you can leave. I love you my babies. My best friend and my sisterrrrrrr, I am the captain of this SHIP.” but was actually like “wait, no, no, no, not my Marcus. D-D-Did-Didyme I NEED him.” Think Sid the Sloth from ice age in the first movie when Sid really wants the baby. So this man is like...gonna have to do it to em and murder. He killed Didyme secretly (dunno how he pulled the secret part off- like i know how he did it but how did no one hear or see anything or even suspect anything IT WAS LITERAL FRIENDLY FIRE but we love the drama so continue.) Ironically enough she was very close with Aro and the two actually did love each other, Aro is just...murderous apparently, to the extent that even his sister isnt safe. And that’s it. That’s Didyme. Which im like...alright Smeyer i see you. I like this and expanded on this with my Didyme.  i get the vibes that Didyme is the most innocent and kind of all the Volturi. Losing her meant losing the consciousness within the Volturi making them all the more ruthless because there was no one to say. “Guys, maybe lets rethink this? and quickly because i cant get Caius to put down the torch thats currently on fire.” Losing Didyme made Marcus mostly become passive and would rarely stop anything that happened. I often wonder if that provoked a lot of guilt for Marcus later on. (However thats a spoiler for something im currently writing...;) ) I also think of her as a major daydreamer and the most soft, gentle person anyone will ever meet. Like its difficult not to like her despite being in the Volturi, even the Romanians would have struggled if they met her. So in the long run...i hate nothing about Didyme, only find more and more love lmao.

Corin: So im going to be honest and tell you i have no idea what Corin would look like. I’ve got nothing and when i was younger i wasnt even sure if Corin was male or female. Like a lot of these names, i had never heard of the name ‘Corin’. I dont write for her as of yet because im still trying to figure her out. I think she’s quite quiet, she lets her gift do most of the work for her in keeping the wives, Chelsea and Caius when he doesnt get to go on a rampage, content. She was brought in also after Didyme died but Marcus refused her gift.That’s all i’ve got for her. Her gift is amazing, pretty underrated in my personal opinion since like Chelsea, she really helps keep the Volturi unified but other than that, I dont have much to say about her. :(

Afton:  Another character i basically filled the blanks in for myself. So what we’re told is that he’s Chelsea’s mate and has the ability to disappear . Whilst thats a pretty cool trick...the volturi dont necessarily need it but they have to keep Chelsea happy and she demands that Afton stays so welcome to the family Afton! I also recently learned that if you hide behind Afton and he goes invisible infront of an opponent, you too will also be invisible. I figure that is until the opponent moves and basically changes their perspective but i could be wrong with that last part. That’s all we get so time for my unnecessary input!  SO AFTON IS A TOTAL SWEETHEART. He’s very shy but polite. This is a complete opposite to his mate Chelsea. It’s actually what she liked about him. At first is was just be flirtatious to the shy vampire but when she actually got to know him... she fell hard. It was also Chelsea who had made the first move since Afton was so shy. Of course she’d never say so and Afton would never want to embarrass her so that was never really disclosed to anyone who wasn’t around at that time. She brings Afton out of his shell a lot and it wasn’t long before the two were mates. Chelsea is the light of his life. Hands down. He puts up with a lot for her and is happy to do so. She could ask anything of him and he’d do it and she doesn’t even need to use her gift. He buys are anything she wants almost instantly. He cant help but adore her passionate personality, like how hooked she can get on era’s such as the 1920′s, her love for jazz music and her ability to gush on and on about anything. The two had what the other lacked and that made them an excellent team. I love their relationship. I cant help it. However, as i said before Afton is very shy and tends to keep to himself. Sadly that, paired with Chelsea’s demand to keep him in the Volturi has left Afton a little bit outcasted. All the other permanent guards were wanted and considered important whilst Afton...not so much. Although that isn’t to say the other guards are mean to him or anything. They aren’t! (Except the twins who are...the twins.) Felix and Demetri tried to include him a lot but it was very difficult to break him out of his shell. That doesn’t mean to say they wont invite Afton when he’s around. Chelsea always appreciates their efforts. Afton is notably good friends with Santiago, who often preferred solitude as well. 

(Guard to the left is who I imagine Afton is)

Chelsea: So supposedly Chelsea’s original name is Charmion? When i was younger i didnt really care much about her. I only really knew her gift and that she was the reason Afton was kept in the Volturi, since they were mates. From what im aware Chelsea basically wasnt in the movies/not identified. There wasnt much said about her in the books either. So since then i’ve kind of developed my own persona of Chelsea that could be completely inaccurate to canon but canon was my foundations with characters like these. She was always a red head in my eyes with ringlets, a copper kind of red head. I also pictured her to be small. However the newest addition to her character would have to be the mid-Atlantic accent. I blame Poppy Hill for this one. That character screamed Chelsea to me. She was very close to how i imagine Chelsea to be. So now Chelsea has an accent that i have no clue how she managed to maintain being in Italy so long and being born in Greece. LMAO. We’ll say she was very attached to that time. However, I think the time she joined the Volturi was actually very good for the story. She first came around just after Marcus had lost Didyme and Aro had her use her ability to keep Marcus in the coven. it’s really cool how she could really make or break the coven. Although, Aro was smart enough to not fully rely on her, using Corin’s ability on Chelsea to make sure she’d be happy and stay within the Volturi. Thats where the information on Chelsea really ends Over the years Chelsea has appeared in my writing and so beyond this point, Chelsea’s character is only my depiction.  I figure Chelsea is a talker, like she can talk her way in and out of situations with ease. She enjoys being manipulated and even more so, being needed.Much like her gift, she gets under people’s skin- not in terms that she’s annoying but more so she can figure out people very well. Her mate is the complete opposite and so she often speaks on the behalf of them. Chelsea is very social and charismatic. She along with Heidi are the only two Volturi members who will be out and interacting with humans if necessary. Heidi for her ability but Chelsea purely for her social skills. She’s also the most interested in human culture. She loves the parties- the 1920′s being her favourite era in terms of fashion. She has no issue changing her name and has done so multiple times when the names run out of fashion.It’s like playing dress up! I’d actually love to write more about her. I’ve really grown to love her character, even if i filled in some blanks for myself. I think she and Afton’s relationship is one of the best, up there with Carlisle and Esme- despite the two being very different. It’s a part of their dynamic!

(I always imagined Chelsea to be a red head but Poppy Hill from THOHH is a very close depiction to Chelsea in my eyes)

Renata: A stressed little bean that lives on stress. I remember thinking when i was younger she was the big threat since she was Aro’s shield but now that im older i see...a stressed little five foot bean. I have no idea what she looks like but always imagine her dark hair tied in a tight bun, looking almost painful. Another who wears heels, like Heidi but she is very rigid just as she has been described. Her uncle is a bit of an ass considering he begged her to go with the Volturi so there wouldn’t be a threat. Dude, can you not just...hand over your niece? At least hesitate! Just like that, thanks to Chelsea, she’d give her life to protect Aro and...I have nothing else. Yes it does drive me mad that there are two named guards i know next to nothing about.

Santiago:So what’s known about Santiago is that he doesn’t actually have an ability. He’s just very good at battle techniques and fighting which is why he’s kept around. If they need fighters, they’re top three are Felix, Demetri and Santiago...in that order. Santiago is also much faster than a regular vampire (as shown in breaking dawn part 2- he caught up to Jacob and Renesmee quite fast despite the two having a running start and wolves supposedly being very fast- much like a vampire) That’s all we know of him so then i got in there and this is how I write Santiago. I gave him the background of coming from a superstitious family. Like he would be told tales of demons and witches growing up as well as things like voodoo. He knew an awful lot of urban legends and whilst he stopped believing in the bad luck his family taught him, he still held interest and couldn’t help the instinct of unease when witnessing such things as rituals. It’s ironic really. However Santiago always deems that humans have it all wrong. These forces are beyond human understanding and shouldn’t be played with. In that way, perhaps Santiago still has some belief in things such as superstition. He’s very secretive about it and would never clarify it for you. Santiago keeps to himself and can be quite standoffish. He can also be blunt even if it’s insulting- he doesn’t tend to care. Although he and Afton became quite good friends since the Afton was an outcast and Santiago didn’t enjoy large groups, or most people in general.

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[gayspock]

maybe someone has already asked this but data ? my beloved <3

SO EVIL TUMBLR DIDNT EVEN NOTIFY ME OF THIS. BELOVED HERE YOU ARE, THANK YOU SO MUCH

favorite thing about them and how does one compound the brevity of love into mere words? before i even watched trek, ppl were like “eggs, u are gonna be obsessed with data” and that was so tru... I LITERALLY do not kno where to start. favourite thing abotu him. my god. i think- ok im gonna go with . maybe this isnt my FAVOURITE thing abt him but its wht im thinking of right now. i genuinely do rlly love... the way they have data explore art? the way they have him paint, and play music, etc...and yes often they do dismiss it, and say “oh he doesnt actually understand x,y,z” or its all soulless but i dotn know babes.. i think its like. idk omg bc sometimes i get it too, u kno, where i find it v hard to connect with things like tht in a more conventional way ... but the way data does it- bc he does still connect with it all, just in his own way... makea me warm . does that make sense. its the autism autism communication between him and i.

least favorite thing about them whats your least favourite thing about the sunrise in the morning? about a baby’s laughter? the way your lover kisses you?

favorite line CHRIST I DONT KNOW. I JSUT LVOE IT WHEN HE TALKS AND IC ANT RETAIN WORDS</3 EVEYRTHING HE EVER  SAID BUT- right now gggod.. u kno tht one hang on let me go get it: There are still many Human emotions I do not comprehend: anger, hatred, revenge, but I am not mystified by the desire to be loved or the need for friendship. These are things I do understand

now STOP it. STOP, STOP, STOP it.

brOTP okay so geordi and data transcend everything but i’ll save that for the next section. i do like his friendship with- well... literally everyone. the girlies especially, i think (crusher and deanna) but with everyone. except for picard. insert that one post of someome bitchin abt how rude picard is to data. uncalled for and unwarranted. but almost everyone else... AND KIDS. KIDS ESPECIALLY. THAT WEE ALIEN BAIRN FROM PENPALS? THAT KID HE SAVED IN HERO WORSHIP? data is literally friendshaped I THINK is the thing

OTP daforge my beloved....  but aalso gggod okay i think its so? SERIOUSLY im obsessed with data and geordi just. their dynamic. and i dont necessarily see them through a romantic-first lense? does that literally make any sense?  i think they belong together and really their dynamic is, like, one of my favourites  of all time. and osmetimes i like to think of it romantically. sometimes not. sometimes i like to think fo it as romantic, but even only onesided. sometimes not. ITS REALLY HARD TO DESCRIBE PROPERLY, OMG, BC ITS LIKE- i dont wanna sound like im saying they’re LESS THAN that just tht its like... them being a couple romantically is secondary to them just being with each other to me? <3 whereas, like- like i said im all for kirk/spock, and iwth them i see them as like. romantic first and foremost even if there is an undercurrent of friendship.

nOTP oh my GOD the fact the show ITSELF made tasha/data fuck in, like, episode 2... insane, thats insane behaviour. beyond sick in the head to make that decision. i know its buried after the fact, with only few remarks to it but my GOD. that was evil. so, so evil.

random headcanon i know this must habe been said somewhere before. but i cannot help but think abt how data would be so warm. little computer. overheating. you ever think spot loves that. i bet spot loves that. warm little vibrations for spot. make him feel like a big kitty.

unpopular opinion HMMM IDK IF I HAVE ANY. i dont think this is an unpopular opinion (?) but i do know he gets an emotion chip in the movies. i fucking hate whatevers up with that, without even having seen it. i KNOWWW im like “i shant judge until ive seen things<3″ but my god. my god my god my god. i cant see how they could do that and not piss me RIGHT off, babe

song i associate with them the one in this video bc i watched it so much

favorite picture of them THERES SO MANY GOOD PICS OF DATA. HOWEVER TODAY I AM THINKING OF THE ONE WITH HIS HEAD STICKIN OUT THE HAY. ITS A VERY GOOD IMAGE.